Thoughts on peace, and on lack thereof

[ironphoenix]

I doubt that many people say (or write) things with the intent to cause pain. If one jumps quickly to that conclusion, some people will keep their distance. Miscommunication, lack of information, mistaken assumptions, stupidity, thoughtlessness and carelessness (in approximate order of moral "badness") are all much more common than malice¹. Accusing someone of malice is hurtful in and of itself, unless the person actually did intend malice and is proud of it, and I don't think I know many people like that.

My instinctive reaction is, maybe not surprisingly, to keep my distance when the fighting starts. Certainly, there's not much to be "won" by getting involved in a battle between other parties: one can be ignored, claimed as an ally by one side or the other, or attacked by both. The tragedy is that most of the fighting I see stems from well-intentioned but misguided or misunderstood words and actions, not ill will, and I want to fix it, to deconstruct the origins of the conflict and rebuild relationships, even though they aren't mine to rebuild. I don't know what the right response is, in the general case. Ignore it? Choose a side? Jump in the middle and yell "whoa!"? Talk to the people on each side about it? I've tried all of these in different situations, and surprisingly, the one that's worked best so far is to jump in the middle and yell "whoa!"

Okay, it was literally "HEY!", but anyhow, it immediately and completely ended a full-on fight at my high school. Having more experience and knowledge of martial arts now than I did then (I had dabbled in kung fu, jiujitsu and wrestling), I understand a bit more of what I instinctively did then: it's referred to as kiaijutsu. The fight was occuring in a hall just outside a classroom I happened to be in, and the customary crowd of students and ineffectual teachers had gathered. Without really thinking about it, I stood up, hurled the door open, and let out (best espression for it, it felt like it happened) an incredibly loud "HEY!" In the silence that followed, the fighting pair left, heading down the hall in opposite directions and trying to melt into the crowd. The teachers, recovering their senses, turned to me and asked what I thought I was doing, and I just shrugged and said, "ending the fight." Nothing more was said of the affair by anyone.

Should I study to cultivate the ability to do this by choice? Christ said, "blessed are the peacemakers," but he (or his transcriber) was a little vague on technique. What is the equivalent in battles of words, or is it any different? In the immediate situation, the essential aim seems to be to wake people out of their instinctive retaliatory mode, but it's not without risk: if they really are bent on hurting each other, interposing oneself is asking for trouble. The two guys whose fight I interrupted never thanked me, nor did anyone else. In many ways, it looks like the hardest road: does that make it the best?

As it is, I take each case as it comes, and try to find in my heart the right path. It's probably not the most reliable guide, though: fear, weariness, anger, hurt, and so forth can slant my judgement towards avoidant or destructive actions, masking the small, quiet signs God gives. I'm looking for a set of guidelines, something that can at least help me think twice about questionable choices.

(This isn't about any of you; it's about me, reacting to a lot of things and looking at my own reactions and choices. That's why it's in my blog, not yours.)

(Comments screened; let me know if you want me to unscreen your comment.)

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1: Not that the pain isn't real. Something misunderstood can hurt just as much as a deliberate attack. Acknowledging and dealing with having been hurt is hard for anyone. Likewise, acknowledging and dealing with having hurt someone is hard for any moral person. It's easiest for both, of course, if they can be reconciled and help each other.

Comments

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[commodorified.livejournal.com]

Should I study to cultivate the ability to do this by choice?

If you ask me, and I think you just did, yes.

Christ said, "blessed are the peacemakers," but he (or his transcriber) was a little vague on technique.

*roars appreciatively*.

If you haven't already read them, I recommend the writings of Leonard Desroches as a good place to go first, particularly Allow the Water and Love of Enemy.

And then there are various organisations that do workshops... I don't want to spam you to death but if you clear your throat encouragingly I can make some recommendations...

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[trippingpossum.livejournal.com]

The road of peace-making is hard and often thankless work, however I believe it to be a very worthy cause. and It's hard knowing that all too often when you step up to that fight there is a very good chance that both dogs will turn on you.

I have often found that the best course is to think twice and analyze the situation, I try my best to do this and it seems to help in getting the best answer. Getting people to 'sleep on it' can also help a great deal.

I am very interested in these books as well and would love to know more about others.

[ziggy-b.livejournal.com]

I'm not worried either way about being screened, feel free to choose based on what I have written.

I'll admit I didn't read too in depth... I'll be leaving for a big work event ('networking' over beer with people from out of town) in a few minutes and life is busy enough these days that chances are good that if I don't write this now it won't get written at all.

Anyway, getting in the middle of things only works when the two involved want a way out. If either person is truly intent on doing something, which happens too often these days, then you may find out that your payment for standing up is getting chopped down. There have been occasions when people have been killed trying to stop a fight, and although it doesn't happen I think that every time is a tragedy.

When you talk of studying to break up fights I'm going to assume that this is verbal arguments, as this is more likely something to happen. In which case it is good to be a mediator. Your comments about things at the start, miscommunication and mistakes, and your later comments about jumping in the middle, have me thinking that you aren't talking about mediation. Mediation to me is two people who want to come together... without their positive intentions then I don't think it's a good idea.

Then again I always credited Garry with being the most politically savy prof in the department. Somehow while everyone else was being forced to a side he never seemed to be forced to do so and I have no idea how he managed this or what skills he had but I wish I had some insight.

Because I think you mean well and I want to see you live to an old age I recommend staying out of the middle of fights. But then again the choice is yours!

P.S. I have broken up a fight before but I have to admit it scared every bone in my body. I credit my continued health to the fact that he didn't know it was me, the guy must have thought it was his friends that pulled him back.

Doh! There's the doorbell, I can't read this over so I hope it sounds sane...

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[squireofmichael.livejournal.com]

I doubt that many people say (or write) things with the intent to cause pain

I disagree whole-heartedly, but I don't think either of us is wrong. If that makes any sense.

I suppose what I mean to say is that, people say, do and write things with the intent to cause pain quite often without admitting to themselves that that is what they're doing. I speak from experience.

People also say, do and write things that are meant to hurt and take pride in it. Most of the people I know have done this at some point or another. I, personally, made a sport of it as a teenager.

My thought? People will do whatever they want until they are told otherwise - for better or worse. We're a pretty autonomous race of beings when alone, and a pretty communal race of beings when several of us are forced into small places. I think that's part of why the Bible stresses the omnipresence of God so much - He is there as both a parent and a friend. Someone we can (and should) lean on, but also someone we need to look to with fear and respect.

[squireofmichael.livejournal.com]

As far as how to handle any given argument - I think you're on the right track with what you do now. A single course of action is not going to fit every situation. Do we find courses of action that fit the majority of instances? Sure. Should we just blindly pursue it everytime something remotely resembling that which the course is set to fix? No. I don't remember who said it, but I think the quote "When you're a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail" comes into play, here.