Disconnection

[ironphoenix]

Several of my friends have lately expressed feelings of disconnection, and I want to reassure them (and anyone else reading this) that they aren't abnormal in that.

I've never, ever felt like a core part of any group outside my family. The closest I've ever been is the dojo, and it's taken years to get that far. Even if I'm the one who brought a group together, I feel like I'm on the edge of it, and there have even been occasions where I've ended up being dropped from groups like that. Extravert or not, I don't gel perfectly with a group. I bend some, but there is a core Ironphoenix-ness which doesn't bend to suit the crowd.

Some groups learn to accept me as I am more than others, and those are the ones I stay with for any length of time. Some groups mutate enough that I can effectively move from group to group just by letting others come and go. But I just about always feel a gap. I sometimes feel that I'm my own in-group, of one. I'm fortunate in having the self-confidence to be able to see it that way (most of the time) rather than descending into feeling that I'm my own out-group, of one: that way lies paranoia.

God, family, close friends, and aikido are my only real ways out of that. My social time does fulfill a need, and it is the real me that participates in that, but there are sides of me that don't usually come out then, and that sometimes jump out at me as I close the door behind the last guest or wave goodbye and saunter off. That's when those closer connections matter, and I think that everybody experiences those moments when it feels like none of those usual connections are available.

The only one of the four I mentioned that is always there if I think to seek it, and if I open myself enough to accept it, is connection with God. Not everyone has this experience, and I'm not going to try to guess whether it's God's will or our choices which make it so, but for me, that's the real last line of defense.

I'm not sure whether I ended up accomplishing what I originally set out to do, but, as a famous outsider said, "quod scripsi scripsi."*

*: "What I have written, I have written."

Comments

[ancalagon-tb.livejournal.com]

No, you definitely aren't the only one feeling that way.

I too feel that I am always... on the edge. The sidelines. Not at the center, not an essential part of anything. There is always a gap, a space between us. At the same time, my social network is quite large, especialy online (antartica is the only continent I don,t have contacts on), but the internet is... thin. The social relationships there are rarely rich. Ultimately, it's deep conections to individuals and small groups I crave but never really get.

Sometimes I feel it is my fault. The gap isn't always the same, but it often is one of my own making. The only group I am an intrical part of is my family, and again there is a gap with them, because, much to my chagrin, there are some things I cannot share with them.

I wish I had your faith in God, or that feeling of closemess. To me, God is distant and fickle, like the barely glimpsed Sun behind clouds.

I wonder if this sence of isolation is not the doom of everyone. Do some people truly manage to avoid this? Is it because they comunicate and relate better with others? Or are they simply unaware of their inner selves and complexities, and because of this do not realise how little ever manages to get through?

P

[dracodraconis.livejournal.com]

I think that describes most of us. Try being a thinker living in a society that values physical abilities (sports, crafts, manual labour). I've always found the people "on the edge" tend to cluster; we understand how each other feels.

[ironphoenix.livejournal.com]

It's interesting to note that while the friends who expressed feelings of disconnection (the ones that led to my original entry) were female, the responders to my entry were male, and neither responded to the posts by the ladies.

Is there some subtle difference in how guys feel this stuff? Is it a difference in style of expression for a common experience? Is it a case of no guy wanting to be the first to admit any weakness? Is it coincidence?

[m-danson.livejournal.com]

I am assuming that you are refering to me ...

I appreciate the intent but I am not in need of reassurance. I do not seek to know that I am not alone in my feelings. I know that I am not but that the very nature of the angst means that it cannot be a shared experience in any real sense. Knowing that I am not alone does not diminish that which I suspect is a lasting part of my personality.

I did not respond to your post previously because it appeared that we were not talking about the same thing. I respond now because of your comment to Anc and Draco ... both men that I suspect do understand my complaints. They didn't respond to me on lj but I doubt it was out of any form of fear or desire not to look bad. There are simply some things to which there really is nothing to be said.

It appears to me that your post speaks of lack of connection in terms of lack of acceptance. That makes alot of sense. I think I've even felt that. However, acceptance is not one of my greater needs. To be understood is. I have stood in the midst of rejection and felt complete. Just as I have been the accepted center and been completely alone. Like the anger, feelings of disconnection drive me to action but they never go away completely. Not with my friends, not with my family, not with God.

Nor do I associate feelings of disconnection with feelings of incompleteness. I am not incomplete. I am growing. I am not less of myself when I wear masks or armour. If anything I am more of myself, for in armour I accept nothing from the outside world.

I desire to be understood. That desire drives me. That desire frustrates me. I am just begining to accept that it is a desire I will never satisfy. It is not possible to fulfill. To seek to be understood is to learn that you are neither understood nor do you understand. That leads to pain. But as much as I hate it sometimes I would not make it go away.

[ironphoenix.livejournal.com]

You weren't the only one to whom I was referring, but yes.

Thanks for clarifying your experience. Your comments lead me to wonder whether the others' experience has more in common with what you or I express. I'm also curious as to how these relate to Myers-Briggs thinking/feeling characteristics.

I don't understand myself enough to be surprised when others don't understand me. I try to communicate clearly, but that is only partially successful. This isn't, in and of itself, something which bothers me greatly: I believe that a time will come when we will understand each other better. It can, however, aggravate the other problem, that of acceptance, in that the judgements people make are based on poor information. Because our love is so often conditional, those judgements can build walls between people, which does bother me a great deal.

[m-danson.livejournal.com]

I'm sure that there are studies out there on alienation but I haven't read them. If there is a split I'd guess that it would run more along the introvert/extravert line.