Underachievers

[ironphoenix]

A very good little essay that rang a few bells for me, and might for some of you and/or people you know.

Edit: this too.

Comments

[m-danson.livejournal.com]

It rings no bells for me.

[ironphoenix.livejournal.com]

I know; it would also be a little odd if everyone on my flist identified! (Post is public, because the article(s) bears reading anyhow.)

[m-danson.livejournal.com]

I figured that wouldn't be a surprise to you. It will probably be reassuring for those who it does speak to. People work in different ways. Frankly though... the parents reactions in that was the worst part to read.

[ironphoenix.livejournal.com]

Yeah... and I remember "discussions" like that. I've also seen it in other families. This helps me put my finger on what, exactly, is wrong with that whole approach.

[m-danson.livejournal.com]

My parents didn't do that. They were sometimes concerned about us (me in social issues, my sister in school) but there wasn't pressure to perform and my potential was never an issue for discussion. Natural consequences and tools for finding effective coping mechanisms were the direction my parents headed in. Success was relative and independence was important.

I think my parents goals as parents was to raise independent, confident, well rounded, free thinking, responsible children who could function well as adults and who felt loved and secure. I'm guessing that is what they were doing based on what they did.

My parents did pretty damn well at the parenting thing I think.

[ironphoenix.livejournal.com]

My parents' expectations of me were in many ways reflections of their expectations of themselves, I think. Overall, it's worked out, but there were a few rough bits.

The main downside has been that I reflexively tense up when I don't live up to my expectations of myself. I'm working on getting rid of that reflex, but it's a long process.

[jagash.livejournal.com]

Fortunately is was blatantly clear that i didn't have much potential so i was spared all of that fun.

[queenie-writes.livejournal.com]

Me too. I was told I would fail no matter what.

[jagash.livejournal.com]

Well, i was told effectively "Yeah, you can read well but your handwriting, math and french are horrid. You can be solidly mediocre". Not quite as depressing as "you will fail regardless", but far from being called gifted.

[ironphoenix.livejournal.com]

Any predictions seem to be problems: they constrict people's natural growth in some way.

*takes mental note of how to approach students when teaching in the future: don't make sweeping assessments or predictions*

[m-danson.livejournal.com]

From watching others I have to agree with you. Predictions are a problem ("You will never be able to do X.") while clear consequences are not ("If you can not do X then you will fail this test/grade because it is an essential component.").

[ironphoenix.livejournal.com]

Yeah, kind of an opposite problem. It could be that they were envious of the potential they saw in you, and wanted to break it on account of that.